Smile Empty Soul

New account..

2007-01-01T03:35:08Z

I have a new account.. it is.. dec0ded .. ADD ME! Bitches..

the end.

decoded_org

2006-01-23T22:38:56Z

You bad bad bad people..

add the following to your friends list.. NOW decoded_org

http://www.decoded.org

that is all :)

:: Quiz Update

2005-06-28T23:44:12Z

Teh RoXXorS Stats

Formed:	28th June 2005
Split:	15th November 2009
Best Album:	'Revoked Belaud Cowpeas Earthen' 8/10 in the NME
Best Single:	'Gasting Nomos Monazite' 9/10 in the NME (Single of the Week 12th October 2008.)
Records Sold:	18,289,971 in total (4,974,955 albums, 13,315,016 singles).
Reputation:	Seminal Artist
Groupies:	According to allmyshoes, ladyanathema sucks like an overpowered vacuum cleaner.

Teh RoXXorS Member Profiles

allmyshoes allmyshoes's deadpan vocal delivery is reverred by most of the bands hardcore fans but is acknowledged by very few in the musical industry.	jawdy Without ever being the focal point of Teh RoXXorS's sound, jawdy's intricate stylings add depth to the bands music.
malcuy For the past couple of years malcuy has struggled with a drug addiction which has been negatively affecting their bass playing skills and their showmanship. A spell in rehab could resurrect malcuy's career'	sack_ A number of up-and-coming bands have mentioned Teh RoXXorS's drummer sack_ in the music weeklies, citing them as an important influence on their current sound.
dudewhoisrandom When it comes to musical theory very few surpass the knowledge of dudewhoisrandom. In saying this dudewhoisrandom finds it extremely difficult to compose anything of worth.

Single Releases

#	Title	Date
24	Opining Levodopa Alumine	Sep 2005
12	Partan Sluices Buhrs Cannonry	Nov 2005
13	Parleyed Ordines Waitress Hansa	Dec 2005
4	Misevent Hinted Monastic Claucht Unrests	Jan 2006
1	Clots Baseness Filet Fielders	Mar 2007
1	Bayman Bashaw Reallots	May 2007
1	Winceys Tacitly Snookers Lovelies	Jul 2007
2	Connived Lizards Grandams Whooping Duumvirs Winze	Jul 2008
1	Motel	Aug 2008
1	Gasting Nomos Monazite	Oct 2008

Album Releases

#	Title	Date
38	Oops Upland Dredge Nonet Rumpled	Jun 2005
2	Earthman Swirl Traprock	Feb 2007
2	Revoked Belaud Cowpeas Earthen	Jun 2008

northern ireland's worst

hehehe..

:: woo syndication

2005-05-24T12:39:26Z

heyheyhey.. If you would all be so kind as to add "arnie_blog" to your friends list as this will allow you to see my new posts without having to goto my website :)!

Thanks to Helen for her wonderful work :P!!

:: The end ie NIEee

2005-05-23T21:22:25Z

I will no longer be updating this journal, I will keep it open so I can comment and read other peoples journals, but to read about my life you will all have to venture over too my new website :)!

http://www.remembertobreathe.co.uk/

be happy all
*much love*

: wow i need too..

2005-05-06T01:20:32Z

..sleep

i will update more tommorrow :)!!

im happy...

"Here In My Room"

This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in fullblown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight

If the world would fall apart
In a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing
Now that you're here

Yeah, love is a verb here in my room
Here in my room, here in my room

You enter and close the door behind you
Now show me the world as seen from the stars
If only the lights would dim a little
I'm weary of eyes upon my scars

Pink tractor beam into your incision
Head spinning as free as dervishs' whirl
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being that kind of girl
That kind of girl

:: Pictures of denmark + me

2005-04-28T08:22:25Z

Me and the HP scarey man.. as you can tell.. I didnt like him much :P

Me on our stand at the event

Me in tiberly gardens in the centre of denmark..

:: Quaterly

2005-04-22T00:06:02Z

Fuck me.. I didn't know they sold Dog in Ireland, granted its only in one bar but MAAAAN.. This bar was amazing, they only sold special or home brewed stuff, one of which was called the "santa claus" which everyone (well, all of the realy drinkers) bought.. 14% vol in a fucking TINY bottle.. It was insane, man.. I didn't finish it because I would of died, so right now I feel ok, I hope I feel ok tomorrow.. but to do that I will need to sleep :):)! hehe..

Tonight was good, it made me realise just how much I would love to live in Dublin, I mean, its so amazing.. I just spoke to everyone lol! I need to do better at this, get a job in Intel Ireland, even if it is as a shitty web developer, it has to be done!

thats all for now, I have my plane home for the weekend tomorrow.. :)! Wooooooooo

:: Pictures

2005-04-21T10:45:12Z

Only one photo so far, I will get the rest later :)!

:: Ireland Update

2005-04-20T23:26:47Z

So I thought it was about time I gave a small update on my travels thus far. As you know I'm in Ireland training up a new Web Developer. It appears that this web developer is being trained to take over my role as a web developer, at first I was a little worried about why this was happening, I mean hell, I do have 5 months left with the company, its a little early to begin planning my leave =P! I ask my Web PM if I would be working along side the guy, and he said "no, he will need to know everything you know and be as capable as you as you will be transitioned out of your role soon"..

Later on that day I was chatting with the head developer for CIM (coporate internet marketing - the guys who deal with the homepages and public aimed websites). He said something along the lines of: "So Arnie, where do you want to go? India or the US?"

I was of course quite confused by this, till he explained that they needed an internal technical expert to train up on the PNT system of intels web arch.. and I was the chosen man for the job.. in the assumption they can get the needed funding. So, in the assumption the Ireland managers will fund my trip, and my manager agree's that it is a good step for me to take (which I will point out that it is :P).. I should hopefully be heading to Folsom (http://www.intel.com/community/california/folsom/) in CA for a week/two week long training session.. they hope to send me in the next few weeks, pretty much as soon as I am back from Denmark..

So. New job for Arnie that will make him almost indispensable to the company, as I will be the only person in my department with this training and expertise.. but it also means I'll be going to the US.

THATS IF IT ALL GOES TO PLAN!!!

In other news: I just had an awsome night out in Dublin with the head of Finance for my Dept, one of the BO interns and the new RCG BO.. we had a really expensive meal all paid for by Intel.. I wasn't even meant to be going as it was a BO night out, but they rang me and asked me to Tag along.. It was a bit mad as Jack (the intern) ate the biggest meal on the menu, which was a fucking HUGE set of rib's (3 stacks in all).. we have pictures so I should be able to post them tommorrow when I get them back :)!

Tomorrow is our staff night out (well, the Irish staff night out, which I was invited too :P).. back to Dublin again to see some dog races and out for beers! WOO! I love this life, I really do. It feels so nice to be here because I am treat so great. This guy I am training acts like Im his manager, its so damn funny. But essentially I do have "power" over him.. hehe..

Ah well. I will rap this up and say Im smiling but I miss things. Ill be good once I get a decent nights sleep and rest up from that bloody huge meal :)!

Pictures to follow soon :)!

Love to all

:: sleeeeeeeepy and worn out

2005-04-18T20:27:35Z

I don't have a whole lot to report. Just sitting in my room watching anime waitting for my washing to get done so I can pack it. The next 2 weeks are going to be *even worse* than the last two..

Tuesday <-> Friday - Ireland
Fly back Saturday
Saturday night - Capdown gig
Sunday - Sleep
Monday <-> Thursday - Denmark
Friday <-> Saturday - Bath
Sunday - Sleep :P

meh.. im going to go lay down and watch the rest of this anime..

:: its the silence that kills me

2005-04-11T01:00:42Z

Man, oh man. I've spent weeks here, laying, thinking. Living off 4 hours sleep a night and a glass of water each morning to keep my throat from burning. Waking up every hour drenched from another nightmare, tossing, turnning, thinking and never sleeping again. *sips the glass*.. its not like I cared?

Maybe i was wrong. I can't get the past out of my head, all that shit i said and thought about her. All those times I said "your never going to see me marry".. they where right. In the wrong way, but still just as truthful. I sit here thinking about how, I sent that bitch a butt load of flowers, trying to make things up, forgetting her, and 4 days later she was dead. That bitch didnt even ring to see if I was ok. It burns me to think of the misstakes I've made, the choices I look back on, the time's I have stabbed myself in the back only to realise I'd been there a million times before. Why am I so intent on destroying myself.

I am alone now. You may not think it. But i am. There where times where I could be laying here in wonder, in pain, in thought. I'd know someone cared, but now I know they don't. I spent so long protecting as many people as I could wrap my arms around, as bad as I may have been i gave till my last breathe and till the last drop of my blood had poured. Why now; am i sitting alone.

It isnt just her, its everything. Although i was just learning to forgive her, talk to her, see her as a human again. What about my other "loves". The son i never get to see? I don't even know where he is living. The education I am very close to loosing, through the brain fuckup's of my past. What's worse is the knowledge that this is not depression, this is not self loathing, or anything I can control. I wake up and I goto work, this is something I could not do before. This is simply life beating me, and beating me, then kicking me down some more because it knows that for some reason, I can't be given peace. Not for one day. One hour; one damn seccond so I can shut my eyes and see something other than the pain of the past.

*sips again*

All I want is a hug. A phone call or a smile when I wake up. I spoke to someone tonight, meantioned how I was feeling and briefly why. She told me I needed a woman, and how I couldn't find what I wanted overnight. She thought I wanted so much. All I want, is someone able to smile at the sun.

and maybe cook for me.

2am and counting. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't know what to do. That scares the crap out of me.

:: a wake up call from the nintendo generation

2005-04-07T20:23:31Z

Mm.. hackers is on TV. The girl I work with is doing her dissertation on hacking, and im proof reading/helping. I've just been given a new project looking after some of Intels internal network security.

man, i know what i want.

:: never do

2005-04-07T09:00:35Z

"Saints And Sailors"

This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.

[Chorus]
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering this house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do, never.

[Chorus]

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.

But I'm not laughing and you're not leaving
and who do I think I am kidding
When I'm the only one locked in this cell?

[Chorus]

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.

Not sure how I'm feeling right now; a little strange i guess. I havent slept in weeks, too much thinking while I lay. The knightmares don't help so much, at least while I'm at work, at home playing games, I can take my mind off things. I bought myself some computer games in the hope I could have more to do on the weekends while everyone in my house was away, it's helped as the games rock, but now I have stupidly no money :(! I did get my credit limit upped to £1500 for my trip to Denmark in a few weeks time, yay! I don't think Ill be going to Ireland though, as I completed a 3 hour training session (I was the teacher) on web development to a new employee over there yesturday; by phone. Man that tired me out :P!

So now Im sitting in work trying to make some new webpages, I have to do some random web testing next week with a group of guys from an external agency, we're trying to pull web inputs directly through HTML, convert it to XML, push it through a server side controller that has the ability to send info VIA STFP.. should be an interesting week :D! Mainly because no one else in the building would stand a chance at getting this working lol, so its up to me. woo.

Guess I should get back to working, got some HTML templates to knock up for the XML form thingy. I'm also meant to be putting on a webcast today, but the whole thing has gone tits in the air :P! Noooooooo :(!! *cries and goes to work*

despairswindow @ 2005-04-04T17:08:00

2005-04-04T16:08:56Z

HEHEHE.. can you tell I was bored at work today?

:: Annoyed

2005-04-01T15:53:44Z

My god, in this tech world why is trying to buy something online SO FUCKING COMPLEX!! *burns online ordering systems*

despairswindow @ 2005-04-01T00:00:00

2005-03-31T23:00:56Z

Intel Ireland: 18th - 23rd : Training new web developers
Denmark: 23rd - 29th : Leading Intel's ISN pressence at corporate event (I GET TO MEET SEAL!!!)

:: alice i love you.

2005-03-31T08:31:37Z

Ahhh sitting in work, feels like I've been here for hours when really I only arrived just over 30mins ago. Currently Alice is playing on my MP3 player, as much as I love alice I haven't felt like listening to them recently, they're far too depressing *turns it off*.. I'm not feeling so good again today, a little spaced, light headed and a bit confused. I don't really know whats causing it, maybe its just the thinking I've been able to do since I've come back, or maybe its just the new sleep pattern kicking in? Who knows.. I'm not a big fan of it though.. Mm this song was playing earlier, and I felt the need to post its lyrics; Mostly because they rock, but also for other reasons.

30th of April
Seems like yesterday
Bought a house above the ocean
where our kids would laugh and play
I called you from Paris to tell you that I wrote our names on the observation deck of the Eifell Tower
Remember those nights
Playing summer wind in the jukebox of the bar we used to go.
We made out in the bathroom and you walked me to my house
And I tried to convince you not to go home.
If only, I had more time, I'd take you where you wanted to go
Italy isn't the same without you here
If only, I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes that I could spend with you, fall in love with you again and again, Again.

First of November, 1998
I was thinking of what to say when I would go
Denice come over to my house, cause you're the one for me
We'll drink cheap wine and watchfor shooting stars.
Remember our first apartment, our couch was never big enough for two
Still we'd fall asleep in each others arms and wake up on the floor, now looking back it was made for me and you.

If only, I had more time, I'd take you where you wanted to go, Japan is really nice this time of year
If only, I had one wish, I'd want a billion trillion lifetimes that I could spend with you, fall in love with you again and again.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. lots of humming today too.. I know Im going to update later, so I'll cut this one short. Then again, I don't have much else to say. I hope I start to feel a little better later on today :(!

:: listens

2005-03-30T10:23:46Z

everything i say has meaning; even if you can't hear me.

:: sleeping never feels good enough.

2005-03-30T07:58:28Z

I just got into the office.. its funny how people treat you when they think your in pain, its nice to know people care I guess, but it all feels so pushed. I went to Grahams last night after work, stayed there all night till I came home and slept. Its not like I dont go round his house often, because Im there most weekends, but it felt like they where trying to protect me without even asking how I was feeling.

Its not easy being alone.

Ben asked how i was this morning, thats the first time he has seen me since I've been back, and he is the only person who has actually asked me how I am, how my family are. Its strange as I thought he would of been the last person to ask, just based on how he reacts to other situations. I guess my judgements where wrong..

Well, I guess I should get to work, not that I have a lot to do right now. Im not sure if people are hiding work from me, if there just isnt much on, or if Im being a little blind and havent really gotten back into the flow of things. Mm. I hope I feel better today than I did yesturday, I don't think I could cope with another day like yesturday.

:me

:: Its still dark..

2005-03-29T08:07:57Z

I imagine some people would see what im doing right now as being rather silly, im sitting at 6am uninstalling programs from my work laptop which I deem to be "un needed". The reason I am doing this at 6am is because I couldn't sleep knowing said programs where installed on my laptop, this had to be completed before I next used the laptop which would of course be in a few hours time. Sad? Yes.. Needed? No.. The real reason I can't sleep? Probably not.

Being back in Swindon is probably the worst thing for me right now, the past 2 weeks have been spent with me worrying about everyone else, now althought there is no change there and in many respects thats all I needed to do, I am still worried parts of me are yet to come to terms with everything thats going on. Now, the death bit is done, it was long ago. Its the "not being around" bit that I still havent figured out just yet..

Just so you people know, NEVER, for ANY REASON, install "Macromedia's ROBO HELP".. It sucks balls and breaks things muchly!

Man my sleep pattern is messed up, ive had a massive 5 hours of sleep. I've been finding it hard to get a natural amount of sleep, I need to starve myself of it so im so tired I just pass out. Healthy? I think not.. but whats a guy to do?

I guess as its comming up on 7am, I might as well just get ready for work and go in early, I wont have any work to do but at least I can find my new desk, as while Ive been away we have all been moved to the seccond floor (rather than the 3rd). I now sit right next to the Events team though, which is awsome! Me and Rich no longer need to bother using the phone when we want to go for a coffee! Ill just shout at him and we can go :)! This could prove to be a bad thing though, as my boss will now know that Im not working and talking to Rich, maybe its one big cunning plan? Haha, the conspiracy theories comence.

Before I go let me get a few other things straight too, based on the comments left on my last journal :P!

I'm not like most other people, I see the world in a much different way it seems. Love is the natural language of life, you feel love for every living thing and that love is felt in so many different levels, from the love you would show to a person as they walk down the street (whom you have never met, nor spoke too), just a little smile to show they hit your heart for a breif moment. To the true, full on care, devotion and LOVE you have for that one person you could spend your life with. If I say to you, you are in my heart, you are like everyone on this planet. If I tell you, your in my mind, you are again not there alone. But if I rely on you for support; want to talk to you and know your ok "just because". You have one up on the world. Everyone reading this has that pleasure, because if you where not one of those people I would not have given enough thought to letting you know about my life.

I can care for the world, but allowing someone to care for me back is the true test of love.

For the next few weeks Im going to be "away", this isnt your fault, this isnt me trying to run from anyone, this is me trying to face things.. ok? Right now I am truely alone, and this is the only time I can make sure I turn all efforts in on myself without having to care for my brothers or father.. or even friends. Please understand that, and let me have my time.

Your all special.

Love

The Warrior of light.

:: and so i pulled in..

2005-03-29T08:07:21Z

i just stopped at Shefield. My MP3 player currently playing "Stellar - Incubus".. It almost seems fitting that while I've sat over the past 3 or so hours, my mind has wandered as I listened to the music. Only to lead me to this song, and this place, at this time. Most of the journey I've been listening to The Ataris, it made me think of you. Other parts of the journey where filled with Emo, Hardcore tracks reminding me of Tricia, Stoo, Bradford and how much I want next year to come around, Leeds is only around the corner you know?

Its funny watching people as they wait, reading books, eating food, running to catch a train or just wandering around almost lost; not knowing where they are going next. Sometimes I hate how I see a meaning to everything I think and see, I guess im so stupidly open minded I can fit anything into "my situation", not that I know what the hell that is!

"everytime you hear these words, you will know you made a mark on my heart and my mind"

Not sure how Im feeling about going home. My dad seemed to be very upset last night, maybe it was the whole bottle of wine he polished off while I was out? He seems to have fallen into the "this is your fault" trap, its just as bad as him blaming himself, the punishment is just as clear. I tried to talk to him, make him see how pointless it was to put so much effort into anger, into thoughts of "what should have been" because, what should have been; isnt.

"incubus - Pardon me"

This is the 3rd song while I've been here! Bloody MP3 player.

Its so insane how I still think about claire, I mean, its for no other reason than at that point I was the happiest. I look back not wanting "IT" but wanting to feel like way again. Ya know? I suppose its just all the bad things that have drove me to think this much about the good things. We're all just fools really.

Work on Tuesday. It will be strange to go back to it after 2 weeks off, this is the first time I havent thought about work for more than a day since I began, I put so much into trying to do well that I guess I hid the rest of my thoughts and concerns. Since being home I've been thinking even more about the future. Marrage, Love, Ben, More kids? Mainly about Ben as my actions now will have some serious reprecussions to his future. I thought about social services, contacting the health visitor and reading his medical history.. Will that help? I mean, even if she was lying at least right now he is being fed and treat well, I'm not sure what I could offer him right now, not until I have my degree and a job. On the other hand, the more time I stay away, or the more I let her push me away without stepping up. The further away I will be from ever seeing him. From being his Dad.

I love my son with everything I have, and I think about him every single day. Feeling that way, just isnt enough though.

*leaves shefield*

I don't arrive to my next change till 8pm, I set off from my house at 12 !! Stupid trains, why do I live so far down south? Even after my next change I wont get back to the City till 10pm, then the taxi home.. Uughhh.. Take away tonight then!

I don't know what to think right now, i think i need to sleep on things first, the 6 hours last night didnt do me any favours. I just want to be happy..

but "its just a phase.."

*listens to "My Girlfriends Dead" to cheer himself up*

HEHEHEHEHEHEHeheheehe :)!

despairswindow @ 2005-03-24T04:56:00

2005-03-24T04:56:00Z

I felt like I wanted to say so much, but i wasn't sure what it was, or who i wanted to say it to. So that left me here. To quote a song I once loved:

"Wrote a letter to myself, but I couldn't bare to send it. So I tore it up and wrote a letter to a friend."

I guess thats why I havent updated in so long, I couldn't bare to write my thoughts down, dealing with the thoughts of others is always so much easier. Now, dont get me wrong; I have been talking to people about whats in my mind, hell I've been doing it none stop.

and now.. Im back to trying to make my website. Maybe im hiding? Maybe im just dealing with things my own way? Or maybe, just maybe, Im too damn scared of "what if"..

be happy.

::

2005-03-11T10:13:11Z

RIP

:: Repression

2005-03-10T01:13:30Z

Ah, so for those of you who havent found out yet.. my mom is in critical care. It looks like she is going to die.

I just traveled the 400 miles home to see her laying in a hospital bed, covered in machines doing all of her "living" with blood filling her mouth where she bite down so hard the vessels poped.. all due to pain.

Life is seriously fucked up. I was coping wonderfully until I got home, and saw "her stuff".. now Im crying. No one knows I am, cause Im in my room. Probably best to be the strong one in this case..

*much love*